Who am I really?
Posted by: Proteus
18th Feb 2011 03:51pm
This might sound a bit strange to many of you out there, but to me it is totally confusing in more ways than one.
I have lived my life to date thinking I had changed my name to my real Fathers name, but on the death of my parents, my younger sister told me I was adopted, as are the rest of my brothers and sisters.
Well to be honest, this came as a bit of a shock to me, as I was under the impression that my Father had passed away when I was about2 years ol, and my Mother had remarried and adoption had been done to change my name to my new Fathers name. However, I am now told by my younger sister, that the Father I thought was my birth Father, is in fact not.
After doing some research and contacting The Child Adoption agency for more help, I found to my dismay, that yes I have been adopted, not once, but twice!!
This has come as a total shock to me, and I must add that I am very very confused about the whole situation just now. I went through the change of name from my deceased Fathers name, back to my "birth" Fathers name some years ago, and now I'm not even entitled to use his name.
What upsets me most, is the fact that all these years have gone by, and my deceased Mother had been telling me all about my "birth" Father and his family etc., and even gave me photos' of me as a baby with my Parents. I had even gone to the stage of researching the family tree, and contacting whom I thought were my first cousins, but got a very strange reaction from them as well.
Now I understand why - I think.
My confusion worries me, and I am no longer sure as to who I am, and cannot understand why lies have been told to me all my life regarding my parentage.
What makes it even more confusing to me, is that I recently had a letter from The Child Adoption services with detail of my birth Mother, and Father, along with copies of adoption papers and information as to a birth Sister, who has been looking for me as well.
I really don't know which way to go with this, should I contact my "birth" sister, find out about my real family etc., or should I continue to live in the world I believe I'm part of?
Sorry this has dragged on a bit folks, but as you can see I'm confused, upset, and possibly even angry at this development. So much so, I have cut off all contact with my family enviroment (brothers and sisters) and am trying to sort out myself with this.
Any advice would be appreciated, I don't know where to turn to next, what to do next or is I should just ignore it all.
Cheers all
Thanks for any inpurt.
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Comments 19
sherri
Oh Proteus, what an unsettling story. I imagine that you are still in shock.
In your case a day has made a world of difference, because yours was turned upside down in the space of a day. One day your family was one shape, and the next, you learnt that those who you thought were of your blood were not.
But can I reframe the question for you - and invite you to think of yourself as EXACTLY the same person as you were before you learnt all this, (because you are so much more than just genetics, you are the product of the famil(ies) who raised you, and also who you uniquely are inside of you.
AND NONE of those things changed with the addition of new information about your birth.
yes, your roots are different to what you thought they were, and the manner of finding that out was a shock. And no doubt you feel a little cast adrift, anchor-less, - a 'cosmic orphan'? BUT - I repeat, the essentials of who you are have not changed.
I rather suspect that because you wanted to know your roots before, that this need has not gone away and will probably resurface later when the shock has abated a bit.
My suggestion is that you don't 'burn any bridges' - ie don't say 'yes' for the moment, but don't close the door either. And in the meantime, why don't you get some counselling to help you through all this
Perhaps with the salvos, or centacare - salvos because they help with reunifications, and centacare because they manage adoptions. both are likely to have specialist counselling for adoptees in just your situation.
all the best.
Anonymous
YOU are U that will never change ........... But if you dont meet your birth family then you will be filled with what if , why and all sorts of questions for ever. You may become great friends or meet and move on BUT if you meet her at least its a chapter in life that either be put to rest or grow into something amazing. i have a foster family and my birth family and knowing both has made me who i am today.
wishing you all the best
Anonymous
gosh ur story sounds quite similar to mine but but not as in depth. If u dont get in contact with ur sister ur gona live with all this anger and hurt and even pass it on to ur children if you have any, but if u dont then put aside ur feelings and do it for them cos you will one day have children, dont let them confused like you, give them an identity and ur self. I know ur hurt and confused but dont punish ur biological side when u could be getting to know them and getting some answers to alot of questions u may have, heck u have a sister who has been looking for you how awsum is that. Yep sometimes our parents make some silly mistakes but ur an adult now get over the pass and move forward. I waited till i was in my late 30s and angry, hurt , depressed becos of lies that was told to me but im sooo glad i went searching no matter what my outcome was going to be, it wasnt great but i now know and am settled and at peace now...
mummy2jj
I know it might be difficult but why cut contact with the people who you grew up with and relied on growing up? i would say yes contact your "real family" but then you might find out why you were adopted and end up in a even worse place than you are now.
personally i would move forward with my life with a mantra of "I create my future, i commit, i act, i live".
mummy2jj
and i will add that i come from a history of my parents split when i was young and then my mum remarried when i was 2 and i took on my step parents name and then i ended up in foster care and then i contacted my real dad when i was 16 and then he died when i was 22. and i found out that he really did not care as he had moved on and had a new family and kids
barbi
I too was adopted at age 1 1/2 yrs - the final paperwork evidently went through when I was about 4 years old. My Mum & Dad told me the story of how they had been contacted by the local hospital advising them that there was a child in hospital for adoption - they came, they saw, and they brought me home. They enmphasised that they had chosen me to be their daughter as my mother was not able to care for me. When I was 12 school photos were taken home to be shown to friends and neighbours. One girl in my calss came back next day to school with a letter from my "mother" who wanted to meet me and letting me know that I had other siblings. My "Mum" was seeing our local doctor as she had high blood pressure. I could not talk to her, but was able to go to my class teacher who asked my permission to discuss this with the principal. On talking with him he said it was probably not the right time for me to meet her as we didn't really know if she was or was not my mother. She should really speak with your adoptive parents first. So I didn't go to meet her. Another two years later, another letter arrived - different school but same classmate! This time, I went with another classmate, to meet her. Talk about confusing - from being an only child, I was now the eldest of eight. Stories like this can end well - Later, when a bit older and more mature, I became friends with my mother and her family and am still in regular contact with my siblings.
I wish youluck in checking things out especially with your sister. It is good to know where you came from and the health of your relatives if future problems arise healthwise for you.
AURELLA
Hi Proteus, having read all the replies to you I am in agreement with them all, firstly you must not turn your back on your adopted family, they raised you, they are your family, your adoptive Mother obviously had her reasons for not telling you, now she has passed on it is difficult for you to hear that story , but, always remember that your Mother loved you, she chose to adopt you. Your birth Mother had her reasons for giving you up and you should never judge her, because believe me the hardest thing one could ever do in their life is give up a child for adoption. I know because I gave up my son in 1961 and I didn't find him again for 34 years, (I am happy to say that we have a very good relation ship now, he was never bitter and understood why I had to give him up) but the last day I held him in my arms as a 6 week old baby was one that is etched in my memory for all time, because giving a child up for adoption is the same as losing a child and it is a memory that stays with one. My heartbreak on that day is still profound. Birth Mother's give up their children for a very unselfish reason, and that is to do what is best for the child. Give your adopitve family a go, they love you, they are your siblings, and if you are fortunate to develop a relationship with your birth siblings and birth mother you will have two families, and that's got to be a wonderful thing, my son boasts that he is lucky because he has two mothers, and we were both at his wedding a few years ago. My son always refers to his adoptive mother as "Mum" and he calls me by my christian name, and that is ok with me.....
bex
I also have been adopted but luckily this is something that I have known my whole life.
Recently I applied to the 'missing pieces' programme and they contacted me wanting to do my story.
I have since found out that my birth mother was brought up in foster care after her mother died at the age of four and the child that she had when she gave me up for adoption ended up going into foster care and she also had a son two years after giving me up for adoption that ended up in foster care...so I can only say how thankful I am that I was given up for adoption as I also would have ended up in foster care and what a life that would have been.
Never forget that your mother obviously thought that she was protecting you by keeping this information from you and although it was an awful way to find out the truth.
I believe strongly that you should contact your birth sister; especially if she has been looking for you. It will help you to deal with it so much better if there is someone who knows what you've gone through and that you can talk to about it.
I wish you luck with whatever you choose to do.
Bex
Val
I really feel for you, it will be a difficult time for you. My only advice would be to hear the full story if you can before judging the folks involved. I speak from the opposite point of view in that I had to adopt my child out and it still breaks my heart but at the time I had no other option. You may find your real mother may have had similar problems. Take it one day at a time and dont burn your bridges, your adopted siblings are in the same boat as you, so keep the lines of communciation open.
Becky
It was great to read your post,thanks for sharing your side of things with Proteus. Very thought provoking.
mermaid
An interesting topic raising many questions. Adoption is sometimes not a parental choice. In a bygone era adoption became standard practice for single pregnant and unwed women. There was also zero form of counseling for rape victims let alone unwed couples who wanted to keep their child.
Decisions were based on what the parents and or religion sector beliefs sad as it is it is a reality for many who were never given the opportunity resulting in devastating lifelong problems.
I have 4 stories to share each with their own merit on why adoption occurred. I hope this provides you with encouragement making your decision a positive outcome.
My Mom was adopted into her own family in the 40's due to her parents passing. She was raised with her own siblings and their memory kept alive to this day.
My brother inlaw and his brother were both adopted due to their grand parents making the decision for their parents who were unwed. Although they were raised in a loving family by parents were unable to conceive. From the time they were able to talk their parents shared they were lucky to have 2 sets of families. In their mid 30's both set out to discover their biological parents with success not without an emotional rollercoaster of events. None the less very successful with their own families now in contact.
My sister inlaw was adopted as was my husband and learned of their adoption before their teens. After 2 children my sister inlaw's interest to find her parents peaked using her youngest as an excuse to find them. This did not go as well as expected and her father refused to contact and her Mom giving details of both parents health only.
Upon learning this my sister inlaw felt the need for closure and this was start of her demise today. She pressured my husband to find his parents even though he was not ready and continued to until he reached his mid thirties.
Upon his arrival home from a long and weary day he raised the issue with me. I offered my full support in whatever decision he made, be it to seek his biological parents or not. We revisited how my Mom, brother inlaw and his brother came to be adopted and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with seeking.
He put an end to his sisters persistence resulting in her distancing him sad but true. It didn't end their her inability to accept her parents decision to not reclaim their child continues to create drama to this day. Without been judgemental we are talking 5 years, had she sought counseling to overcome her parents decision drama would cease to exist.
5 months later my husband decided to revisit seeking his biological parents on account of health issues that plagued the ability to conceive. He gave way to asking his parents to become involved and they jumped at the opportunity. On the day of the meeting with Vanish we learned his parents did not want to adopt him out his Moms Mom insisted due to her age been just 16 years and his father 18 both insisted they would marry due to both been employed at the time. Their decision fell upon deaf ears and upon his arrival was put up for adoption in a convent in Victoria.
Many women were placed in the same sad position as his parents who were from the country and under the influence of their religion.
We learned how the day my husband started seeking his biological brother 2 years younger also sought his whereabouts. As the representative was about to provide details of his brother, my husbands Mom broke down and in a fit of rage demanded we end the meeting there and then.
The look upon the face of the representatives and my father inlaw revealed shock. I took it upon myself to invite my mother inlaw outside for a cup of tea and was met with anger.
My mother inlaw told him to stop she wasn't coping. All the while my father inlaw attempting to console her making matters worse. I I looked at my husband and knew he was about to end the meeting, the representative enquired as to whether my husband would like to proceed now or another time.
Another time was his reaction, we all departed, once outside my mother inlaw came to her senses and then and there I knew the heart wrenching emotions she wasn't coping with were not about to encourage my husband.
I felt sad for my husband who was excited by the news, my attempts to discuss the matter further came to an abrupt end when sharing how I discovered a historian who was seeking his whereabouts for a family tree.
I gave my husband the respect and let matters lie, years later he revisited the file and it gave great hope for me to know my husband was still searching. In 2010 the file came out again and a recent event triggered unresolved issues that we are currently working through.
My advice to you is whilst there are many reasons a parent keeps things from their child. The most common PROTECTION!!
Yes by doing so one lives and breathes an emotional roller coaster in their daily lives and also those around them.
Yes it takes time to overcome the acceptances one makes....
Yes their will be judgements made by family and friends and work collegaues....
Yes this will affect the seekers every day life be they married or not....
Yes there will be a positive outcome provided one has the support of a professional counsellor along with family, friends and work colleagues.
Above all, communication is the key to understanding the biological parents reason for adoption, the reason the adopted parents chose to or not share their story and the very reason the seeker is.
I hope in sharing this story you have a better understanding of why some people place their child into adoption. It may also help you seek more information from your adopted parents family whatever decision you make do so by way of support it will lessen the likelihood of ill health or worse depression.
May you enjoy your journey and embrace what knowledge you gain well!
Fraggle
Hi Proteus,
It certainly does sound confusing. I too am adopted, but was told that from an early age...not that that stopped me from wondering who am I...I always felt as if something was missing. When I was in my thirties I decided to find my birth mother and when I did I also found the other part of me. But all said and done my mum and dad were the parents that brought me up.
It is very hard going it alone so can I suggust that you reunite with your brothers and sisters and let them help and support you through whatever dissicion you make. I love my birth family but my bond is with the family I grew up with.
Take care and be strong
Proteus
I think the most confusing thing about it all, is the fact the my younger brothers and sister knew that I had been adopted long before I knew myself.
I guess, as a previous poster said, I am still the same person I am, but even now that I have been found so to speak, by my natural parents sibling, I still find it difficult to have any common ground with her?
Maybe it's just me, but I really feel nothing in the way of belonging to either family anymore.
solstice
I can understand your issues after so long you would have hoped that you would have been told the truth. My suggestion is to look at the positive side these people took you and treated like their own flesh and blood through all the ups and downs in your life while they were alive. That takes a real special person, you could be like me and have a mother that tries to tell you and other family members that you were her flatmates who could not afford to keep you and refuses to allow you to meet your sister or half brothers and has not told her current husband that you even exist.
I have learnt to deal with this as my father took very good care of me and helped through many a bad patch in my life and left me a legacy of love that will keep me going for the rest of my life.
Becky
My husband is adopted & when he was finally ready to trace his birth mum he was 25yrs old.It took alot of courage not wanting to be rejected twice.I know watching him that he took at least 6months to process fidning information on his birth parents & you do need time to process all your conflicting emotion. Try & not hold onto anger with your siblyings as they didnt do this to you,when you are ready reach back out to them,slowly as you feel ready.It might be nice to contact your birth sister as you both may have similar feelings about your adoptions,but take it slowly & allow yourself the time to work through the normal emotions of betrayal & hurt that you are naturally feeling. Take your time & i believe you will get through this ordeal & hopefully be such a grounded compassionate guy by the end of it. Good luck & keep strong.
Miss Prim
I cannot understand why your adoptive parents did not tell you the truth whilst they were alive. It should not have been left to one of your siblings to tell you and were your other sisters and brothers told in the same way. Your adoptive parents had a responsiblity to tell you and I am not surprised you feel the way you do. Hopefully, there are other relatives that can fill you in on the history of your parentage, maybe your birth sister can help you if you decide to meet her. It would be a good idea as you need to find your roots and satisfy yourself so you can move forward with your life. Whatever you decide upon I wish you all the best and that all ends well.
Anonymous
Hi Proteus
I am adopted also, however both my parents were up front and honest with us kids(all 3 of us were adopted). I can understand your confusion and maybe anger with the tales you were told. Please remember that the people that you grew up with are your family they are your REAL family, they know you, your personality and you are an important part of their world, dont cut them out they can help even if its only an ear to listen. It maybe worth meeting your "birth parents" as it may settle a few questions you have. I personally havent contacted my birth mother as the circumstances surrounding my adoption (according to my adoption certificate) were difficult and my birth father is unaware he has a 39yrold daughter. However my brothers have and they have a fantastic relationship with their natural families as well as having us also.
Please dont cut out the people you grew up with, they love you and embrace your new family (who also love you or else they wouldnt have bothered searching for you)
Good luck and God bless
oth kirk
does it matter ? you are the person youve grown up to be , life has made you who you are , not the what could have been but what has been , The people who raised you , the people who shared life as you grew up , your friends , the people you called family , These are what matter .
Hartmut
Hi there,
No doubt, the situation, as you describe it, must be very confusing. I can't imagine how I would feel, possibly angry and confused too. I don't know much about adoption, so I can't help or advice you what you should do.
But, after a 'settling down' period I hope that you restore your connection again with your relatives, as they may be of some comfort or help to you, or need help themselves.
However, your question of 'who am I' can go even beyond the physical you.
Many spiritual leaders say that our physical body is merely a vehicle for our soul to experience and move arround with on Earth.
Some even say that we choose the events in our life according to what we (our soul, or higher self)need to learn to advance further, meaning whatever you experience in life is for your own higher good, even if we do not understand it at the moment.
I'm not sure if my comments are of any use to you, but I do wish you all the best.