Fathers and their children

Laura30061115

My friend was taken from her dad at two, moved to a new country. They found each other and she flew to meet him. He only used her to get to his ex... 20 years later. He got the opportunity but still chose to act like a selfish creature.

elljay

My son tried to keep in touch with his son and every time there had to be a big argument before it could happen. On one visit son and I were left standing outside her door till she felt like she wanted to open it. She and her family even got the cops onto us twice just for taking my grandson for few hours. Often a parent will use kids as a weapon to control another parent. Sometimes it all becomes too much and you decide to wait till the child is old enough to make their own decisions.

yasminamber

hi,
this is such a raw topic for alot of people. single parent households, adopted children and fostered children and parents all over the world would experience some sort of heart ache in regards to circumstantial grief and loss for family they never knew and possibly never contacted them, i guess some children never want to know and some biological parents never want to know because it may be too painful or they may have dealt with it along time ago. its about individual journeys and everyone deals with things differently, but family and father figures are hardly a matter of biology these days.

whatever side of the coin you sit on i believe that the key would be about forgiving yourself, forgiving others who may have hurt you, being at peace with yours and others decisions in the past and present because people are always growing and changing. if you have someone walk back into your life that you wish you knew along time ago, bring recognition to the fact that what decisions they once made may not be the decisions they make today. in turn if they never showed up or looked you up then maybe its better left that way.

its horrible to see people store up bitterness and hurt from the past, i believe there is nothing more self destructive.

you and others may find it helpful to seek out support groups in your local area and counselling. it may well do you the world of good

Mickko

The importance of a male role model in today's society is greatly under estimated,
a child(ren) need the influence of a male role model. firstly, to set the boundery through displine and love. Also a father is a protector in which is demostrated through the act of compassion and understanding. This is done in a non controlling manner, especial toward the opposite sex. The overall effect of is respect for the opposite sex.

Blossom

The importance of a male role model in today's society is greatly under estimated,
a child(ren) need the influence of a male role model. firstly, to set the boundery through displine and love....

While I agree with you, I know some Mothers who do a much better job at setting boundaries with discipline, including explaining why certain behaviour is not acceptable. With babies, toddlers and young children both sexes should be treated equally, that way you can't be accused of favortisim. There should be respect for all, not just the opposite. There is also a need for the young ones to show " respect to their elders".

Anonymous

To be honest, it depends on the parent(s) themselves and the relationship between them and their children. If a child was to listen to the father for example and the father expected the child to go do something that is to their expectations, they are asking too much from a child... A child depending on their age and how well they communicate with their parents, some want to impress, do something to get the adult's attention or even ignore them. In reality... you kind of have to think about how you say things at a certain time and back it up without disapointing your child.

Anonymous

To be honest, it depends on the parent(s) themselves and the relationship between them and their children. If a child was to listen to the father for example and the father expected the child to go do something that is to their expectations, they are asking too much from a child... A child depending on their age and how well they communicate with their parents, some want to impress, do something to get the adult's attention or even ignore them. In reality... you kind of have to think about how you say things at a certain time and back it up without disapointing your child.

stretch

The importance of a male role model in today's society is greatly under estimated,
a child(ren) need the influence of a male role model. firstly, to set the boundery through displine and love....

this can depend on the relationship that goes on inside of the home as well if the mum thinks she is na boss than the dad is basically waising there time no matter how hard he tries
if a house mother wants to she can make lifer more harder than it needs to be as she believes she is in charge of all things within her domain

Bellxchat

My former husband was tempted not to contact his son from his first marriage - drama with his ex-wife, upseting his son - thinking it would make his son's life easier. I reminded him that he is still the father, and nothing will change that. His son doesn't know why dad left, he would just feel abandoned and somehow being punished. So they maintained contact, despite some ups and downs, and their story had a happier ending because the adults involved decided to behave like adults, and 'step up to the plate' for their child's sake.

(Sorry to be a pedant, but it's "their" (belong to them) not "there" (a place: here, or there).

stewy57

Man, children can be the cruelest people. My two boys walked out 11 years ago and I have not had any contact with them at all. I have no idea what where or whatever. Their mother poisoned them and they believed her, I was not given the opportunity to put my side. So how can you act differently if you do not know what you have even done

Charley

Hi all
I totally empathise with parents that don't have contact with their child/ren due to the other parent using the child/ren as a 'weapon', 'bargaining tool', 'reward' etc etc.
I have two children by two guys. I always allowed and indeed incouraged contact with both guys - and still do now even though our kids are older. When they were younger I would ask the kids to phone their fathers on their Dad's birthdays, Christmas etc.
My stance is that the problems of adults should NEVER become the problems of the children!
Unfortunately there are, dare I say it 'adults' that have never grown up and when things crumble in their relationships they become bitter and start venting to the kids to poison their minds. It's abhorrent.
All I can suggest (if you can't contact the children) is write letters to them and keep them for when you do make contact. Open a bank account for them and deposit money into it. Whatever you can afford. The amount doesn't matter. It's the thought behind it. Hopefully when they grow up they will want to find you and you can tell and show them just how much you cared and how much they meant to you. It won't be just words either. They will be able to read your letters and you can present them with their bank book confirming to them you took the time to show your love.
There are avenues to contact children but that's a whole other novel that I could write! :)

Anonymous

as a mother of a foster child who has in the last ten years has had contact 6 times by his father by letter. i know the effect this has had on him. Birth parents like that dont deserve to be called fathers.

frilly

I feel sad for everyone involved in these situations. As you say if you had your time over you would do things differently.
Do you not feel that it is hard to blame others for the jobs they have to do because of the mistakes you made earlier.
The Police have to do their jobs, they hate being involved in domestic disputes they can be the most dangerous jobs they attend. Over nad over this comes through in any documentaries with Police work. Lawyers I wonder I really do. I know they have to do their jobs but sometimes I feel they generate work.
Family law must be one of the worst jobs. trying to sort out what is the best but who can honestly say who is telling the truth. Stretch, please I am not saying that you have not had a very hard life, terriblt hurtful one also. I just wish some of your pain could be helped.
Good Luck to you
frilly

stretch

I feel sad for everyone involved in these situations. As you say if you had your time over you would do things differently.
Do you not feel that it is hard to blame others for the jobs they...

i have always hated the police with vengence i spent time in an orphanige
and the cops are always giving people like us a hard time so we give it back
family law is full of crap as the judge is generally only an overated police official
as for danger it was in the water
i have betrayed more docs officials then most men my age as asked for there help and then found out they remove kids not return them
they are the cowards of the country
and in response i guess i would do it again
one house female that refused to work and three kids
one dna tested
and one with no idea as to who i am an will never know as am not going back and will not sign for the mistake
cops are pigs by reputation but watch them get scared when they find out i we gave up there family and location
thank you

kathy77

Hi Stretch, yes well I am a woman with children luckily most of them have grown up but I have problems with my other 3 sons not keeping in touch with me at all and I find it very hard and frustrating I could not have acted differently and I find that they will not even give me a chance to sit down with me and discuss anything or listen to me what I have to say or to defend myself.

kathy77

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules.

Hi Stretch, I understand and never trust those in authority as I learnt the hard way with them as well, and especially with Docs as well they wanted me to have me as a witness I told them you must be kidding after all they had done to me and just lo leave people alone as they do not work properly.

Your welcome to my reply

stretch

Hi Stretch, yes well I am a woman with children luckily most of them have grown up but I have problems with my other 3 sons not keeping in touch with me at all and I find it very hard and...

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules.

suzieq

I also realise that it can be tough on some dads that want to make genuine contact with their children, only to be held back by laws that aren't always correct. I hope you can find a way to see your children without a lot of bad feelings between the parties involved as this only causes more friction that the children will usually be influences by. Good luck

stretch

In that case why dont u try to catchup with your dad?

do you relise how hard it is to locate children with police holding court orders on the father
and the docs officials generally remove the kids not return them
we are starting to place picturesd of police who hold avos on the internet as they generally go else wherse to hide and the law protects them as they are cops and believe they are always completely correct

Anu

I also realise that it can be tough on some dads that want to make genuine contact with their children, only to be held back by laws that aren't always correct. I hope you can find a way to see...

In that case why dont u try to catchup with your dad?

stretch

I also realise that it can be tough on some dads that want to make genuine contact with their children, only to be held back by laws that aren't always correct. I hope you can find a way to see...

thanks for the advice and yes i agree about the friction completely not just on me but latter on for the children
have you ever tried to talk to your mum about why your dad never made contact with you in your younger days

suzieq

I only wish my father had made the effort to contact me, then at least I would feel whole, so I hope this might prompt some of the guys out there to try at least.

CupCake@91

it is very hard to look at certain personal movements from others point of view
aspecially at a young age and if there is some one always bad mouthing the other person it makes for more...

I would have to agree with you there stretch, I am now 21 and for the last 4 years I have been actively looking for my biological father who left my mother before I was born. You also have to look at the influences around both the child and the father, as in my case my mother has always told me what ever I wanted to know about my father but never tried to turn me against him by withholding certain information, how ever I have since learned that his mother was the one who has been keeping us apart

Anonymous

I only wish my father had made the effort to contact me, then at least I would feel whole, so I hope this might prompt some of the guys out there to try at least.

I agree with you, my father hardly ever bother to talk to me because of his own personal reasons...

stretch

suzieq, perhaps you should have tried as well, do you realise that your father may have been dying inside because he had no idea and couldn't contact you. Look at it from his side.

it is very hard to look at certain personal movements from others point of view
aspecially at a young age and if there is some one always bad mouthing the other person it makes for more confusion

stewy57

I only wish my father had made the effort to contact me, then at least I would feel whole, so I hope this might prompt some of the guys out there to try at least.

suzieq, perhaps you should have tried as well, do you realise that your father may have been dying inside because he had no idea and couldn't contact you. Look at it from his side.

stretch

I only wish my father had made the effort to contact me, then at least I would feel whole, so I hope this might prompt some of the guys out there to try at least.

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules.