Why do some children,brought up with every oppurtunity treat parents like rubbish

wrighty

i think it all comes down to respect to you fellow man no matter what creed or color and the current generation just dont get it .i tell my kids that what goes around comes around carry on all you like cos your kids will do the same to you and hopefullt i will be there to remind them of it

sherri

Hi Paddy - I noticed that you first posted this dilemma just 12 months ago. - read some very sage advice here. Hoping things are better for you.

Anonymous

no parents should think that they are bad,,it is just the society that has become more mechanical that unless u need help or u want to get out of a situation that reminds u of ur loved ones.the feelings like love ,care and respect are slightly shifted to that independent,modern and mechanical money earning life.so dont think that there is something wrong or a bad mother.

Anonymous

no parents should think that they are bad,,it is just the society that has become more mechanical that unless u need help or u want to get out of a situation that reminds u of ur loved ones.the feelings like love ,care and respect are slightly shifted to that independent,modern and mechanical money earning life.so dont think that there is something wrong or a bad mother.

kitekat

I have 2 adult Children. One expects me to be their bank , let them know you love them, but dont bend to their demands. They have to learn to stand on their own two feet, even as adults.

Anonymous

No Im sure its not you, but this may be a sexist comment but boys/men tend to not to keep in touch with their parents so maybe you have three boys. I cant understand it myself why you wouldnt be close to your parents considering all that they have done for you throughout your lifetime so far. Maybe they have their own families now, but still that is no excuse.

sherri

People are so different eh? - Although my daughter rings me more often than my son at the moment, that was not always the case and for a long time it was my son who was the 'frequent phoner'.

sconads

never class yourself a bad parent,everyone lives different lives in different situations.but you have to start saying no to them it is the only way to make them understand and apreciate what you do and have done for them.trust me i was the same until my parents done it to me,now i feel like such an ungrateful person and go out of my way to try to make it up to them.

Aroha

Your not a bad mother - different generation these days not as sensitive and respectful as our generation. I think the impact of life and the world as it is, peer pressure etc has something to do with it. Its a good opportunity to have a life of your own now Mum.........and on those occasions you miss them.....invite them over for a nice homecooked dinner.

mummybear

Maybe you could say the next time they visit or call that you are busy right now, come back later....

tui

children that grow up like this are usually very confident and self driven so i would see that as an achievment on your behalf and when they come to you only when they need you that proves that despite their actions when they need help or assistance they come back to the sorce they always know will support them and help them when they really need it. I was similar with my own mother but she was never far from my thoughts even if she didnt know it. They are living their lives and as self involved as they may appear they always have a strong link or safety chain so to speak linking back to you...as they get older or we get older in general we learn to appreciate the thing that we didnt think previously mattered so much and we change our priorities with age also so surley life can only get better so enjoy

Miss Prim

Paddy your adult children do not sound like responsible adults, they sound greedy and should take their own life by the horns. It is sad to think that they only call when they want something and never visit you. Do not give in to their wishes and ask why they don't visit and why they only call when they want something? Tell them that you love them but wish they would respect and love you more as you feel hurt by their actions. You are not a bad mother but a soft one and maybe they are taking advantage of your kind nature. Do you ever visit them or do they discourage you from visiting them? If they lead busy lives that is no excuse as time is always available for your MUM. Busy people are always the ones who make the time. Hope you pass this message on to them as they need a wake up call. Mothers are to be loved and cherished not forgotten!

abacus

Because we let them lest we hurt their feelings.

Anonymous

I think the title of the discussion holds the key - children,brought up with every opportunity!
Maybe the parents spent too much money giving the children the opportunities, but didn't spend the time talking with their children - now there is no relationship because the one they had (or thought they had) was based on empty things!
We have 4 adult children and we enjoy the company of each of them and consider they have all grown to be well adjusted hard working members of society and our family - we didn't have screes of money to spend on them growing up - but invested time and love into them - instilling God given values into their lives.
I think there is too much emphasis on having your children join every sporting group or musical programme - and there is no time for them to be children and enjoy growing up.
Your time and availability are two of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

norg

When I was pregnant with my eldest child my Grandfather told me these wise words. "some people grow up as they are because of their bringing up, others grow up as they are in spite of their bringing up."
Know you did your best with your children, but raising them is not a 1 person job most children have 2 parents and an extended family everyone counts as role models.

Ozbev

I have always treated my children the way I wanted to be treated, but there are some children, despite how we treat them, seem to think that we are the source of everything they need and some, unfortunately, never seem to grow out of that.
Have you spoke to them how their behaviour is making your feel? Sadly, some people are as thick as bricks and unless their behaviour is pointed out to them, they have no idea they are being selfish.
Personally I would simply say no sometimes and if they persist in asking when you say no, I would explain the reason for your refusal. Perhaps they will start coming over just to say hi. I hope so.
My fave bible verse is honour your parents, and again, I like the one that says not to treat your children badly, or something to that effect. I just wish more people took this up, and then, perhaps, we would not have so many estranged families.

Hugs

Bev

youna

What are they like as children and as adults? Were they problem children? did they want independence and not get it? Do you give when they ask all the time? How was family life like? Maybe these questions can help you answer the question :)

Natacha

I think some of the more moderate replies are the best ones to follow. I like the one about setting a day and a time to see each one and the grandchildren. Don't assume that your children are horrible people and that you mothered them poorly. If they have children, they may simply be busy and preoccupied with their own little family- I've met many mothers in particular who are very selfish in that manner.
Would they really be as mean to not let you see the grandchildren if you said "No" sometimes? Even if you really couldn't help them out, would they really understand so little? If they don't understand, maybe actually going away for a while may make them realise. You don't have to be nasty when you tell them you're going, just that you need some fun for yourself and a nice change. They will have to manage without you and you may be surprised by which ones want to hear your story when you get back.
Also, don't believe everything you hear about 'Gen Y'. Remember, there were many selfish Baby Boomers and many selfish 'Gen X' people. It's just that the selfish 'Gen Y' people are getting more publicity now because they're young, and resentful 'Gen X' people and Baby Boomers are the ones controlling the media. A lot of these people are very arrogant, selfish and materialistic also, funnily enough. Sadly, a lot have followed such an example, but there are kind young people out there too- the boy volunteering at the library or the coffee shop girl who actually bothers to smile and talk to the regulars. If they're not your children, then make them your grandchildren. Teach them that there are others who are less fortunate, and how to help such people. It may give them happiness that they can't get from 'service on demand'.

pudge

I am sorry to hear that Paddy.I used to be like that as well.I grew up and realised that Mum was not there just for me.My mum is in a home now and I try to visit her when ever I can now.I look at her and think how selfish I was.I dont think you are a bad mother,just have selfish kids.They will eventually come around.Treat them like as if they where kids as well.

olly

Families, life is so busy these days they really don't have a lot of time I remember when mum was alive my sister and I made a pact to see mum once a week and pick her up for tea, this worked really well because we were both working full time and had young kids. Do something nice for yourself, go away on a holiday, meet up with friends, next time they want something they can't contact you, Leave a message that they are very special to you but you are busy having some me time. The happier you are the more they will want to come spend time.

moreta

No you are like any other mother including myself! I used to take it personally, but I have learned not to. They just don't realise what you have done for them, but one day, they will. And if they don't, it's their loss.
My children, now adults, tend to do exactly the same thing. It upset me when I took it personally. Now, I just see them as normal young adults who by definition are selfish, involved in their own lives and careers. I see it as flattering that they turn to me for advice or when things go wrong. At least I have them in my life which is the most important thing. I must have done something right, they are all successful in their careers and life in general :-)
Just see this as a normal phase.
And believe me being too involved is as bad as not being involved enough, if they can't let go of the apron strings, then maybe you might be more likely to have messed up as a parent, because that's what parents are for, to bring up their children to be useful and independent members of society!

Sharra

No you were not a bad mother but they seem to be selfish children. That is not your fault, maybe you were too good a mother and they have come to expect getting anything they want from you.

The whole complex issue of nature and nurture is fascinating. For years people have blamed nurture for all bad faults when it is actually nature. Blaming nurture has been a way to control women by telling them how to behave when rearing children and blaming them when it goes wrong but more balanced studies have found that nature is much stronger than nurture.

I would suggest that you learn to say no. They need to learn to stop using you. It sounds as though they take you for granted.

I do not know how old they are but I have found that age affects us greatly when it comes to attitudes. They seem to be very selfish and they may never change but they may one day grow up and realise what they have lost.

trix56

You weren't a bad mother! I moved interstate for 12 years then returned. Then it was always "mum can you babysit. Mum can you do this. Mum can you do that." At first I felt a bit used but then it occurred to me that my kids are BUSY just like I was at their age. They are not using me, this is their way of including me in their lives and their children's lives. Now I've moved away again and I must admit I MISS being used.

alli

No, your not a bad mum. Your just too caring. Just say no. Tell them you have a life and that you intend to enjoy it. In future they will need to make other arrangements. Tell them your happy to see and hear from them but not to be used by them. Sometimes they just need a wake call to realise they are taking you for granted.

Jewels

Do you recall yourself at the same age? Of course life seems somewhat busier for young adults today with the necessity for 2 incomes etc. Of course we do reinforce the habit of accepting favours if we continually say yes. What about I'd love to help but it not always possible sorry and can we arrange visits so I can see u and the kids more regularly? Can you visit them or is too far away for all of you?

Bellxchat

We can all say we're "busy", because it's so easy to confuse the unimportant (day-to-day activities) with the important (kindness, gratitude, love). Remember, what you focus on is what you get. Keep your focus on how much you love your family, and how much you enjoy what you do with your life, and it will all come in its own good time.

iain_lmta

Probably!

People treat you how you let them.

So the sum total of your children's respect for you is a mirror to the effort you made to teach them how to treat themselves and others.

My late dad used to say: "There's no such thing as bad kids - just bad parenting."

I saw a 5-6 year old boy brutally punching his mother in the supermarket on Wednesday and I implored him to stop. He laughed and I said to him, "My mother is 76 years old. I have never hit and I won't. Why do you hit your mother?"

The woman thanked me and said that the boy would be in trouble when she got him home. I said to her, "Why wait until you get home? You let him hit you unchallenged publicly. What seeds have you sewn up until now?"

She looked so sad.

Doc

No I don't think it's your parenting skills.
I feel that due to peer pressure, this is how they now think things are done.
The only solution I can see is the next time they come & ask for something sit them down & explain that the money or whatever it is will be given on condition trhat they stay in touch & treat you like a fellow human being.
Maybe even put a qualifying period of 2 or 3 months prior to giving them what they want.
I hope you feel a lot happier soon.
Gary

Ann

No Paddy, I don't think you are a bad mother. We have an adult son who seems uncaring. but I know will be there if required. I feel Gen Y in particular are more selfish and self centered than previous generations. Helen

glendaj

I think things have changed a lot since we grew up. Today there are more pressures, work longer hours and all have a pretty busy life. I get the same treatment but email is a big help to keep in touch. I know it's not as personal but at least you know everyone is okay.

Raksha

No you weren't a bad mother, just a caring and loving one. When kids grow up and get their own lives, they sometimes don't realise that parents feel left out.
Paddy be happy that they do visit and call. Enjoy the time with them but sometimes say no if you don't feel like doing what they ask. When it comes to grandkids take every opportunity to enjoy them. They grow up so quick.

Anonymous

No, you are not a bad mother. The children have to realise in their own time that you are a person first and a mother second. They probably won't realise this until they have children of their own.
Try saying no to them when they want something. It really does help in the long run. It is a simple word but not easy to say. You will reap the benefits later.

Anonymous

N o Paddy, you were nota bad mother. My kids are the same, it seems everyone else I know says the same thing too. I used to get upset about it- every time I called they were too busy to talk, too tired or busy to visit. Now I dont let it upset me, I think I must have done a good job to raise independant, working, popular young ladies. Please try and not be upset about it. Remember you have all of us with the same situation.

Bernd

Dear Paddy,
Don't ever blame yourself, we live in a self centred environment and as the bible puts it the "Last Days" If you have a bible pull it off the shelf and read 2 Timothy
Chapter 3 verses 1-5, then have a good cry. I am sure what was written over 2,000 years ago is now more than ever more appliciple in our time than then.
Just never give up hope that they will appreciate one day what you did for them.
regards Bernd

Anonymous

I have 5 children and have the same with only 1 (thank goodness) but i must say i said No for quite a while before she came round but i must say when grandkids are involved it makes it very difficult. I know i would find it harder if i couldn't see my grandkids

Anonymous

ozziedigger

Paddy,you will have to sort this out by getting all the family together and having a "round table" discussion .Make sure all your thoughts are brought up and,to you,
are genuine worries,let them all know.With all the time and money you have spent on them,you are entitled to know where you stand now.
Take notice of who replies with BS,and tell them you know it is.
If the meeting turns out with their apologies and promises,you will be happy.If it
turns out that they`re all mongrels,you will be a lot happier as you can get on with
your life and enjoy it,especially when the grand kids get curious about their
grand parents and will never leave you alone. don`t worry---be happy!!

Cactus

On the contrary - they know they can depend on you and that "you will always be the rock they need". They do not realise that you need assurances too. This only comes with age. Be thankful that they are self reliant and bask in the knowledge that you helped make them that way. Congratulations. I bet if you said "help" they would be there like a shot.

Lilibet

On the contrary - they know they can depend on you and that "you will always be the rock they need". They do not realise that you need assurances too. This only comes with age. Be thankful that...

I agree with those sentiments. Be proud of the adults that you have helped shape! My adult children have been leading very independent lives but showed how much I mean to them when I underwent surgery last year. We have long periods when we are not in contact, but I know that if I need them or they need me , we will be there for each other. I do feel though, that there are times when its is good to keep some distance - not being always on call when the grandkids need minding etc.

amandahmp

no u're not a bad mother
when my brother started living out, he called back every week, and after a few weeks his phone call became like a "routine": same questions n same answers all the time. so now he don't quite bother calling my parents anymore. sometimes i think parents or kids need to take some initiative so that they have something to discuss or else they wont phone home. like me, we usually talk abt tv programs or cooking so there's always something new everytime

harrio

Maybe if they stopped putting their hand in their pockets every time the child put his or her hands out, a lot of problems would never arise.
Many of us worked during the holidays or weekends for our pocket money.

silme

Maybe if they stopped putting their hand in their pockets every time the child put his or her hands out, a lot of problems would never arise.
Many of us worked during the holidays or weekends...

I so agree with you harrio. First of all you people raise all of those spoiled brats that every time want something from you , you give them. and then you are surprised when they come and ask for more.

Paddy

the biggest problem with saying no, is that I will never see my grandsons!

Sharra

the biggest problem with saying no, is that I will never see my grandsons!

Hmmm they are using the grandchildren as blackmail and that is not nice. I wonder how the boys feel about that.

pinky

you are not a bad mother i have the same thing so i decided when you can respect me better then i mite help out until then go away .They need to relise we are human as well as them just use the big word no they will soon come to there sensis when noone elese will be there for them

Dona

you are not a bad mother i have the same thing so i decided when you can respect me better then i mite help out until then go away .They need to relise we are human as well as them just use the big...

I thought I was the only one going through this suffering but having read these posts , I now dont feel so bad.. I thought I was a bad mother too because of the way my kids have been treating me. Its hurts like crazy.

cat lady

No. Just too indulgent. Next time they call say no to their request.