Health & Fitness

Supporting Cancer Patients

Health & Fitness

Posted by: Rachel

21st Apr 2012 02:46am

My husband has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 49 and it has hit us like a ton of bricks. I try to maintain a positive outlook on everything to try and boost my husbands mood but he feels (and rightly so) extremely negative and angry - to the extent he takes it out on me - I guess because I am closest to him. When I am trying to be positive about his condition he thinks I am being cold and heartless because I am trying to find the positives out of a bad situation and refuse to focus constantly on the negative side and his depressed state, although deep inside I know it isn't good news, I believe we can't change it so we may as well try and cope with hope rather than make things worse by depressing one another.
Has anyone out there been in a similar situation and how do you cope with an extremely depressed person so focused on negativity that he can't see it effects others as well not just himself. It's a bit like when you say "we're pregnant" well, we've got cancer!"

Comments 12

mistymae53
  • 27th Jul 2012 11:21pm

My husband was diagnosed at 47 with cancer and unfortunately did not survive, he only lived 5 months after diagnosis, he too was angry, but when the anger subsided and he gave in that was worse. I hope you belong to the carer's association, you don't know what's around the corner, and they do offer respite for you and for your husband, I think this is in all states not just South Australia. Family support from those who are closest is important, but it is also a private journey, so it should be embarked on only when your husband is ready. There are support groups who will give you advice, and groups your husband could possibly join, but many people with cancer don't wish to confide. My husband was very angry, he felt cheated, all you can do is be there for him and try to be patient, and try to maybe talk about other things, to dwell on something so frightening can be debillitating I think. My husband spent quite a lot of the last few months of his life in a hospice, he loved going for a drive on a nice day, just to sit and look out at the ocean with an ice cream in his hand was something that gave him immense pleasure, a sense of relief. Just try to be there for him, and let him know you care! I'm not an expert, my heart goes out to you, this was a dreadful time for me, but it was the little things that made it easier for my husband, his favourite ice cream, a special movie, a hobby that he may not have been able to enjoy because he was working, the simple things. I sincerely hope everything goes well, the one thing I learnt was that when I was trying really hard to comfort him, I had to find ways for him not to realize it, because like your husband, my husband was angry and would take it out on me also, he didn't mean it, coping with devastating news such as this isn't easy for any-one. Good luck, my thoughts and best wishes are with the both of you at this very difficult time!

mistymae53
  • 27th Jul 2012 11:21pm

My husband was diagnosed at 47 with cancer and unfortunately did not survive, he only lived 5 months after diagnosis, he too was angry, but when the anger subsided and he gave in that was worse. I hope you belong to the carer's association, you don't know what's around the corner, and they do offer respite for you and for your husband, I think this is in all states not just South Australia. Family support from those who are closest is important, but it is also a private journey, so it should be embarked on only when your husband is ready. There are support groups who will give you advice, and groups your husband could possibly join, but many people with cancer don't wish to confide. My husband was very angry, he felt cheated, all you can do is be there for him and try to be patient, and try to maybe talk about other things, to dwell on something so frightening can be debillitating I think. My husband spent quite a lot of the last few months of his life in a hospice, he loved going for a drive on a nice day, just to sit and look out at the ocean with an ice cream in his hand was something that gave him immense pleasure, a sense of relief. Just try to be there for him, and let him know you care! I'm not an expert, my heart goes out to you, this was a dreadful time for me, but it was the little things that made it easier for my husband, his favourite ice cream, a special movie, a hobby that he may not have been able to enjoy because he was working, the simple things. I sincerely hope everything goes well, the one thing I learnt was that when I was trying really hard to comfort him, I had to find ways for him not to realize it, because like your husband, my husband was angry and would take it out on me also, he didn't mean it, coping with devastating news such as this isn't easy for any-one. Good luck, my thoughts and best wishes are with the both of you at this very difficult time!

mistymae53
  • 27th Jul 2012 11:20pm

My husband was diagnosed at 47 with cancer and unfortunately did not survive, he only lived 5 months after diagnosis, he too was angry, but when the anger subsided and he gave in that was worse. I hope you belong to the carer's association, you don't know what's around the corner, and they do offer respite for you and for your husband, I think this is in all states not just South Australia. Family support from those who are closest is important, but it is also a private journey, so it should be embarked on only when your husband is ready. There are support groups who will give you advice, and groups your husband could possibly join, but many people with cancer don't wish to confide. My husband was very angry, he felt cheated, all you can do is be there for him and try to be patient, and try to maybe talk about other things, to dwell on something so frightening can be debillitating I think. My husband spent quite a lot of the last few months of his life in a hospice, he loved going for a drive on a nice day, just to sit and look out at the ocean with an ice cream in his hand was something that gave him immense pleasure, a sense of relief. Just try to be there for him, and let him know you care! I'm not an expert, my heart goes out to you, this was a dreadful time for me, but it was the little things that made it easier for my husband, his favourite ice cream, a special movie, a hobby that he may not have been able to enjoy because he was working, the simple things. I sincerely hope everything goes well, the one thing I learnt was that when I was trying really hard to comfort him, I had to find ways for him not to realize it, because like your husband, my husband was angry and would take it out on me also, he didn't mean it, coping with devastating news such as this isn't easy for any-one. Good luck, my thoughts and best wishes are with the both of you at this very difficult time!

Cactus
  • 18th May 2012 09:51am

Oh dear! A defeatist attitude is definitely NOT the answer. Cancer is only a word today - there are many alternatives (I prefer to call them "natural" remedies) and I would start with hydrogen peroxide (available at all grocery stores for approximately $3 - $4 a bottle) Take 5 ml. in at least 20 ml. rain water once or twice a day on an empty stomache. This together with massive doses of vitamin C is what cured my husband's cancer 25 years ago - and believe me, he is still well and truly with us! You can also put peroxide in a bath of water and sit in it and breathe the fumes. Chemmo will destroy all his resistance and not just the cancer, so be careful with this one. There are also apricot kernals; many herbs cure cancer; MMS is another cancer treatment. Start reading and search out your prefered treatment. And we all wish you the very best for much health and happiness. Go for it.

Rachel
  • 18th May 2012 10:49pm
Oh dear! A defeatist attitude is definitely NOT the answer. Cancer is only a word today - there are many alternatives (I prefer to call them "natural" remedies) and I would start with hydrogen...

Thank you, I will look into this.
Regards
Rachel

lenglish
  • 18th May 2012 07:57am

Hi Rachel. Sounds like a very difficult time for you all! My husband suffered a severe stroke at age 47 and, like yours was angry, depressed, negative. The six years following until his passing in May last year were challenging to say the least for him, me and our three, at the time teenage daughters. Lots of hospital time, lots of time bed-bound at home. No surprises he was depressed. We supported him in whatever way we could and did our best to make his life as ok as possible.
I can't offer much to help your husband, but for you, find time for you - escape now and then even if only for a coffee, hold your supportive friends close, look after you!! The support of my friends in person and online certainly helped to keep my head above water. As an avid reader I would escape into a book if that was all I could manage at the time. I tried to keep a positive face, and to remind myself that often it was the illness speaking, not my husband as I knew him.
We muddled along, did our best, advocated for him whenever and where ever needed, laughed a lot, cried a little, dispaired often.
Sending you strength and wishes for a positive outcome!
Linda

Rachel
  • 18th May 2012 10:48pm
Hi Rachel. Sounds like a very difficult time for you all! My husband suffered a severe stroke at age 47 and, like yours was angry, depressed, negative. The six years following until his passing...

Thanks Linda. This sounds just like my life at the moment except I have to say I haven't been taking time out for myself! I guess I feel selfish if I do which is silly because if I collapse in a heap I will be no good to anyone! I need to try and change this kind of thinking and take some time out here and there! Your words have touched my heart and when you talk of the "illness speaking" and not your husband I know exactly where you are coming from! Thank you so much,
Kind regards
Rachel

musicmum
  • 17th May 2012 09:30pm

Anti- depressants are not the answer,they will put more wear and tear on the immune system. Far better to try natural remedies which will enhance his immune system and will prolong his life rather than shorten it by chemo which destroys the immune system. There are many alternatives seek them out. St.Johns Wort is a well known herb which helps with depression, but if you start a natural wholefood diet full of fresh juices and cleans the body your mind will feel better too. Also don't forget to look after yourself too.

Rachel
  • 18th May 2012 12:35am
Anti- depressants are not the answer,they will put more wear and tear on the immune system. Far better to try natural remedies which will enhance his immune system and will prolong his life rather...

Thanks for your reply. We might have to look into this. I'll try anything - it's my mental health I am now worried about as it is becoming more trying each day but I'll soldier on!

fifi
  • 17th May 2012 08:32pm

Tan
  • 17th May 2012 08:16pm

Hi Rachel - so sorry to hear about your husband. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer he got some good advice from his specialist - he said that everyone who is diagnosed with cancer should be put on some form of anti-depressants - it was only when Dad started these that he could keep a positive outlook on life. We are very lucky to stil have our Dad as it has now been 8 years since he was diagnosed and he is very well (mind you he has also got a dual defibrillator to his heart and when he was 29 year of age he had a brain haemorrhage) so we thank god we still have him with us - I hope you will have a good outcome too.

Rachel
  • 18th May 2012 12:32am
Hi Rachel - so sorry to hear about your husband. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer he got some good advice from his specialist - he said that everyone who is diagnosed with cancer should be...

Thanks for your kind words Tan, he is on anti depressants and has been for some years but it doesn't seem to help. The doctor increased the dose so we will see how it goes but perhaps we need to change them or something!

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