Pregnancy & Parenting

BEING A SOLO PARENT

Pregnancy & Parenting

Posted by: kneecole

8th Dec 2011 09:39pm

Im trying my best to give my son all i can since leaving an abusive relationship a few months back.
I felt it would be best to raise him solo as the father was not only abusive to me but also to my 15 month old.
Lately i have felt that the world is against me and is waiting for me to fail.
Ive had child youth and family at my door grilling me for anything they can find (which may i say good luck to them ive never hurt my son and never will)
Ive had the family courts hassling me as to why i wont allow the father access to his son which i have explained is because of his violent behaviour.
Ive gone to the police numerous amounts of time for help when the ex comes back to my house and starts smashing stuff but still to no avail.
And the newest is family abusing me for how i see it trying to protect my son from something that could be serious maybe even fatal.
Has anybody else gone through or is currently going through a similar situation as mine if so i would love to hear your ways of coping or if anyone has any advice would be muchly appreciated.


Comments 19

di
  • 12th May 2017 03:16pm

Much of what you describe I have experienced. My ex has both borderline personality disorder and overtones of narcissism . Sounds a lot like this applies to your situation . The only cause of action is to go no contact . Hard if there is a child involved. Keep records of everything and never try to disagree or argue with a narc . You can't win . Sure stand your ground , keep very private . Trust very few with anything private . I am now on anti depressants as my dr suggested it after long term abuse . It's helped a lot . The police also were good . I guess it depends who you get . Good luck . Not sure how long before your partner will leave you alone . Know that they do eventually find some other poor person who won't know what they are like , then you may get left alone .

damn8tiv
  • 4th Sep 2012 04:10pm

A solo widower of four son"s myself One must not become a victim of circumstances as this impacts on a child a literal transference of fear. FEAR acronym for false evidence appearing real, a child or children should not go through life afraid because that is violence, I have four son's 6,7,9,11.I place there wishes above mine in a constructive way not to spoil them and teach an appreciation for all things.

Worse case scenario male especially children are prone to suicide a reality in todays day and age.
We all have a part to play with our children identifying violence that comes in many forms and our role within the cycle,
a)Silence and deprivation e.g A look or gaze and a denial of contact of non custodial parent.
b)Physical includes verbal put downs, as words cut like a knife.
c)Mental. Oppressive behaviour
d)Physcological.
Priority is identify then isolate then eliminate violence it is not an easy road yet every journey starts with a first step. Find a hobby or group and re invent yourself whom you ideally wish to be.
To new beginings...

Anonymous
  • 4th Sep 2012 08:20am

Hi
I left my husband 3 yrs ago for abuse spent 2 yrs in the family court for them to say the children can choose where to live. I warned the court and everyone that its not right he does drugs he even as assult convictions etc but it all fell on deaf ears. Know 2 yrs later all kinds are with my and my new partner but the damage has been done the kids think they can walk all over us no natter what we try slowly my boys are comming around but my teenage daughter hell that is another story.

Child service have now been involved etc

thing is I now have to go back to court to get 100% custody and i have to pay it as the system failed me the first time i feel they should be paying.

my partner and I have almost split up over it as is a massive strain, will the price i have to pay ever stop

Amandaa
  • 21st Aug 2012 11:54am

I have not had to go through this myself my sister went through a simular problem she has been lucky enough that her ex hasnt taken it to court. so i cant give any advice but i can say keep doing what your doing he doesnt deserve to see his child if he is abusive towards you or your child keep your chin up karma will come around and he will make a slip up soon enough.

CHoare
  • 31st Jan 2012 02:05pm

i have been through the same sort of thing and suggest that you keep a detailed diary describing what your ex does including dates, times etc. try and see a counsellor and if you haven't already, get in contact with a domestic violence organisation - good luck

Doc
  • 22nd Dec 2011 10:30am

Hi kneecole,
I can feel for you as I was a part of a relationship containing mainly verbal violence.
My ex wife wanted full control all the time & I would not give it ti her.
Funilly enough she took an AVO out against me. I told the cops the conditions were fine by me, if I ever saw her again it would be too soon.
Consider an AVO against your ex, mention you're in fear of your life, that seems to be the magic words.
I know DOCS & such like are useless but you have to remain strong.
You are better than all of them.
Best of luck & warmest wishes to you & your child.

Treza888
  • 22nd Dec 2011 10:11am

You may have to make geographical move right out of the area, go north or south and tap into domestic violence resources, they can help and even with the police and protection, and restraint orders.
Its extreme but thats what you have to go to to protect you and your children.
The children cant do anything, you have to be the one to make the decisions and moves on their behalf.
No finance, go see your bank or doctor someone who you can get to verify the things happening.
Document any incident with police reports anything, make the police work if you have to.
Im from NZ and just came out of a 14yr marriage with two preteens, they are still unravelled, its been ten mths, and their father continues to promise them the riches of the world to try and get around them.
But after all this time our children know the truth about him but its not easy, we struggle financially, emotionally and physically but I make do and just get on with it.
We attend a church too, where the leaders are aware of the domestic violence of the past and fully stand by us. been helpful but there are days when I just want to stop fighting with systems, work and finances and just rest, and I cant.
When $ are low, I send the kids to neighbors to do work for any amount they can get,I send a note with them too; just for pocket money for them.
Or I bake and send those to friends and family who I know dont mind me supplying baking for $.
So I admonish myself that this is for a season, a short season. Get the kids grown up as stable citizens and then wait for my mokopuna.
Other times when noones around I just sit and cry and query why the hell did this have to happen to me?
And get up and carry on again aye, thats the way it is.
Feels like a long long way, but I can see my children are worth the battles.

Much aroha to you and your boy.
Much aroha to everyone else who has replied as well.

Treza888
  • 22nd Dec 2011 01:23pm
tena koe Treza. toku aroha ki a koe! meri kerihimete!!!

Kia Ora Arrochoyle.He mihi nui kia a koe, kia a koutou katoa

Arrochoyle
  • 22nd Dec 2011 01:06pm
I started crying just becoz I feel your pain and can relate. Why don't these horrible violent men just leave us alone. Why do we have to keep fighting. We know why.

My pain will...

May be that is the reason. Happy Christmas and all the best for 2012

Arrochoyle
  • 22nd Dec 2011 01:04pm
You may have to make geographical move right out of the area, go north or south and tap into domestic violence resources, they can help and even with the police and protection, and restraint...

tena koe Treza. toku aroha ki a koe! meri kerihimete!!!

Jade Simpson
  • 22nd Dec 2011 12:15pm
You may have to make geographical move right out of the area, go north or south and tap into domestic violence resources, they can help and even with the police and protection, and restraint...

I started crying just becoz I feel your pain and can relate. Why don't these horrible violent men just leave us alone. Why do we have to keep fighting. We know why.

My pain will definitely go on for up to 6 more years until my son turns 18. My ex has said he will not stop harassing us and the police have said I can do nothing. It is the law that he has to know where I live, I tried to get that sorted but we don't have that many rights even against these abusive men. The law sucks.

I am pondering the thought that maybe our spirits are suppose to learn endurance and pain and heartache for some higher reason?

DeNiro
  • 22nd Dec 2011 12:39am

You poor lady - my heart goes out to you. My marriage broke up when my children were both pre-schoolers and I found it hard enough as a single parent without your added hassles of an abusive partner and a lack of family support. I have listed a few suggestions for you below:

1. I found that the support of others in a similar situation was invaluable so if you are not lucky enough to have solo parents for neighbours (as I had) I strongly suggest that you join Parents Without Partners or something similar. No-one understands your problems like someone whose walking in your shoes.

2. Don't depend on the police to protect you from your violent partner. Your best weapon is anonymity. So if you can possibly arrange it, move house and cut ties with all but your most trusted friends. Move somewhere that's not too near any mutual acquaintances and get a Post Office 'Box address in another suburb nearby. If you can't move, at least get an answering machine so that you can screen your calls. Also, if you can afford it, get a burglar alarm with sensors on your doors and windows. A monitored one is best, but that does involve a monthly fee. Once your son starts kindergarten, make it one that's not on your ex's regular route to work or wherever.

3. Give your son lots of time, patience and love (especially if/when he copies your ex and displays violence himself). Remember - he has already learned bad behaviour by example so 'losing it' and smacking him yourself will only aggravate the damage already done. Try to stop the anger rising inside yourself and tell him calmly that you don't like this behaviour any more than he did when his dad exhibited same. If he doesn't calm down fairly quickly tell him to go to his room until he can be nice to you again because although you still love him very much you don't like rudeness from anyone. Temper tantrums are best eliminated by simply ignoring them - don't react at all. If you're in public simply carry/wheel him away.

4. Above all, no matter how much negativity you are subjected to by ignorant outsiders never forget that you are the hero here not the villain because you are trying to do the best for your son. That is the highest aim any parent can have. So always be kind to yourself and HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH.

5. Lastly - when you feel really low, remind yourself that nothing lasts forever. Eventually your son will be an adult (my children are now in their 30's - I can hardly believe it myself!).

Jade Simpson
  • 22nd Dec 2011 12:08pm
You poor lady - my heart goes out to you. My marriage broke up when my children were both pre-schoolers and I found it hard enough as a single parent without your added hassles of an abusive...

You remind us all of our purpose and continual strength to keep our children safe, so thanks your words, because I got benefit from them as well.

Arrochoyle
  • 22nd Dec 2011 09:32am
You poor lady - my heart goes out to you. My marriage broke up when my children were both pre-schoolers and I found it hard enough as a single parent without your added hassles of an abusive...

Just a note to comment 3, Viv, we always had a 'time out' space, but the bedroom is not necessarily the wisest place, because the child needs to associate his bedroom with sleep and rest. We made it the sitting room, later, where there was the stereo, books, etc, [if the child is of a non-destructive state of mind] and somewhere comfy to sit while they sorted out why mum had issued the ultimatum. It helps as the child grows older and you can reason with them. I heard someone once say the toilet was their time out place, but I would hesitate to make that association for the child, you know your own house, you know where it can be a time for contemplation. My youngest got there only once in her childhood, my big girl who suicided [but it was more accurately a cry for help] was very familiar with our sitting room!!!

Jade Simpson
  • 21st Dec 2011 11:30pm

To start with, don't let that abusive man into your house, no matter what. Move if you have to. Refuse to have any contact with him. Have you changed the locks? Next, if he is damaging property or harming you or your child, the police can act if they have video evidence or a witness that can testify. Affidavits are good too.

Paradise Kids can be a good place to go for support, they have counselling.

Don't be afraid to go straight into court and apply for a Domestic Violence Order. It can be protective to a certain degree and a deterrent. If you get a DVO, you can ask for your child to be named on it too. Note, if he breaches it in any small or large way the police need you to report it to them. (Learnt that the hard way). If you don't they won't be able to renew it when you want to when it is up after 2 years. Remember to be super organised to keep all evidence in files.

Legal Aid is probably available to you too.

Domestic Violence counselling has been invaluable please go and see them or at least phone their helpline to start getting help. They also provide phone counselling. There are safe houses you can stay at for free if you feel in danger. Don't be afraid to go straight into court and apply for a Domestic Violence Order. It can be protective to a certain degree. Although if they fight it, you keep having to go back each time. But if you were like me, you will do anything to keep your child safe. Just keep that in mind, why you are doing all this and you can do this, stay a strong woman. Please. All of us who have been through this care about you and know what you are going through.

The cops don't seem like they understand or care and seem to side with the abuser, but maybe it is becoz they are limited with what they can do without hard evidence. I have been through similar times starting end of 2008 and it's still ongoing. I have high and low times constantly from each time he harasses me and then the calm in between.

I hate how friends or family feel sorry for the abusive guy. Be careful becoz they can betray you too. Some will actually help the abuser and pass on your private information to them.

Another thing the ex will do is try to say that you poisoned your son's mind into hating his father, just say he did that all by himself with his actions. This part of the advice is for when your son gets older.

I hate to tell you this but this could go on until your child turns 18 but sometimes they go away before then. It is a control issue for them and also I think them being forced to pay child support makes them act this way too.

Any other questions, please ask us here on this forum and we will help you as best we can.

Arrochoyle
  • 21st Dec 2011 09:57pm

I was there, with my two daughters, until 20 years ago. He speciallized in taking me to court over the minutest of parental failings [in his eyes anything that could be written up in an affidavit got into court] . I knew of only one occasion when he had hit one of the children, but that was what precipitated us getting out. He was watching me like a hawk, I am pretty sure he knew I would jump if I got a chance. What I had not anticipated was that I would be dragged through court about every 6-9 months over a ten year period. He was infringing the older girl's personal space by the time she was 7, but the police gave us a major run around, and I felt it best to let the matter drop. He had done a wonderful job of appearing to be the perfect parent, and people did not believe me what he could be like. My eldest made at least two suicide attempts, and did not survive the last one. She was 22 at the time. The younger girl who now has 2 children of her own, and is thank goodness in a happy marriage, has completely forgiven her father- plays computer scrabble with him weekly, or goes out for coffee with him.
I am supposed in the family to be the cause of the older girl's death because I have a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, in my opinion it is 'post traumatic stress syndrome' because of the 7 years of physical abuse that I took before I had the courage to leave. followed by the 10 years of mostly ritualised abuse, [the court hearings].
I have been lucky in finally finding a good man, who stands by me.
It does not seem like it when you are in the middle of the battle, but things do pass.
You have to fight for what you know to be the reality of the situation. You need to protect the child from the violence, but he almost certainly will want to meet up with his father at some point. At the time we were going through it all the courts were heavily in favour of visiting rights for the non-custodial parent, but we did find a church scheme for holidays for children in these sorts of situation by the time the older girl was thirteen- if only we had known about it sooner.
My heart goes out to you. your home is not the refuge it should be. Your family sounds like they are entering the arena. I gather your child is still quite young.
Hang in there lass! You know what the ex is like behind the closed door- not the persona he can project in public.
It can be hard to believe when you are in the thick of it- but time does pass.
While the kids were with their father I became carpenter- built beds for them both with study and storage space below, built a larder for the kitchen, a ballet barre for the younger one so she could practice her dancing, saved and got the older one horse riding lessons, which was what she most wanted to do. I became involved with clay- brilliant for working out your anger and frustration- similarly baking bread. I guess now they would call it 'distraction techniques'.
You know why you must stand by your boy- make sure you have quality fun time with him as well as protecting him.
How come the ex can get entry to your house? Can you not get an intervention order? you need something the police will act on, for your safety, and that of your boy. Be Strong!

Arrochoyle
  • 22nd Dec 2011 09:41am
I think you are right about the Bi Polar mis-diagnosis. When you have been under prolonged stress your brain releases too many adrenalin chemicals and it can't go back to normal. My friend who was...

thanks Jade for the suggestion- I do meditate [not Transcendentally] I am a Quaker, which is why I found it so hard being in a war zone. The scariest thing was when he started roaring [bull-like] charged at me, got me up in what he claimed was his 'fireman's lift' and started running round the house with me- all in front of the kids. He had learned that I bruised easily, so I got flung down on the bed, or into an arm chair- nothing to show for the attack, but my damaged ego, and the kids terror. ...

Jade Simpson
  • 21st Dec 2011 11:35pm
I was there, with my two daughters, until 20 years ago. He speciallized in taking me to court over the minutest of parental failings [in his eyes anything that could be written up in an affidavit...

I think you are right about the Bi Polar mis-diagnosis. When you have been under prolonged stress your brain releases too many adrenalin chemicals and it can't go back to normal. My friend who was abused and beaten as a child told me this. She had a mental brake down in her 20s and is the nicest person ever now. She said transcendental mediation was her breakthrough.

Anonymous
  • 21st Dec 2011 09:29pm

Hi, get a restraining order against your ex,, so he can't come within 100 metres of your home, and report harassment to police. Make a formal statement of his visits and actions and if possible photographs to prove so, and keep a diary. Then tell family courts it is not in their hands, it is a police matter. Next, join a group of abused mothers in your area, contact a sole parents group or community services to assist you. Keep your chin up and be proud of yourself. I have been there and done it, no one gives you credit for this task, and the love you pour into your relaltionship with your child, and noone knows except you. Good luck. xo

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